Growing Up in a Violent Home Skews Your Sense of a Healthy Relationship
Growing up in a home with domestic violence, one’s perception of a healthy, functional relationship becomes incredibly skewed. Instead of seeing adults who are loving towards one another, respect each other’s needs and boundaries, and work together to resolve problems and differences, these children witness a myriad of negative feelings, words, and actions between their caregivers that are traumatic and damaging to their sense of self and how they learn to relate to others. They may witness anything from name-calling to physical violence with severe consequences. Even if the child is not physically in the room to see the violence, they can still hear it. They can still feel the tension before, during, and after. And this is a never-ending cycle that keeps looping throughout their childhood.
The Impact of Childhood Domestic Violence on Adult Relationships
Growing up with domestic violence often leaves emotional imprints that shape how people relate to others in adulthood. Even when the violence wasn’t directed at the child, witnessing fear, conflict, or instability can make love feel unsafe or unpredictable.
Adults affected by Childhood Domestic Violence may experience:
Difficulty trusting others, even in safe relationships
A tendency to withdraw emotionally or avoid vulnerability
Fear of conflict or overreaction to perceived criticism
Seeking control or becoming overly self-reliant in relationships
Repeating patterns from their childhood, even when they don’t want to
Confusion about what a healthy relationship should feel like
These challenges aren’t a reflection of someone’s capacity to love. They’re protective strategies learned early, often without awareness. The good news is that these patterns can shift. With understanding, support, and time, it’s possible to build relationships rooted in safety, respect, and emotional closeness—even after years of believing that wasn’t possible.
Common Relationship Challenges for CDV-Affected Adults
Adults who grew up with Childhood Domestic Violence often bring unspoken patterns into their relationships. These patterns were once protective but can cause confusion or conflict in close connections. Many are not immediately recognized as related to childhood experiences.
Some common relationship challenges include:
Struggling to trust a partner’s intentions or consistency
Feeling unworthy of love or afraid it will be taken away
Reacting strongly to conflict or shutting down emotionally
Over-apologizing or avoiding disagreements
Fearing abandonment, even in stable relationships
Becoming overly independent or emotionally guarded
Mistaking intensity or chaos for love, because it feels familiar
Sabotaging closeness out of fear it won’t last
These difficulties often stem from unresolved stress, not a lack of desire for connection. When someone spends their early years watching love and violence coexist, it’s hard to untangle the two. Recognizing these patterns is a first step toward building something different—relationships that feel stable, mutual, and safe.
Repeating the Cycle
Suppose this is the primary example of a relationship in a child’s life. In that case, they often grow up thinking this is the norm, and many end up in unhealthy relationships themselves, because they’re simply mimicking what they learned as children. According to the American Psychological Association (Violence and the Family: Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family), “a child’s exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.” Jeff Edleson, Director of the Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse, says, “What is clear is that children who experience domestic violence are 2-3 times more likely to repeat the cycle of violence in adulthood, as the victim or the perpetrator.”
It Can Take Years to Become Fully Aware of that Cycle
It can take years before many grown children of domestic violence become fully aware that their relationships have followed the pattern of violence they dreaded as children. They’re now passing on the same abusive legacy to their children. Others don’t necessarily repeat the violence, but rather experience fewer, unsuccessful, or short-lived relationships, as they find their efforts to discover “true love” frustrated due to their inability to fully trust others with their love or feel unworthy of love themselves. They often prefer to retreat into themselves, leaving the rest of the world behind as they hide in their protective shell, only feeling more alone and isolated from others. According to author Brian Martin in Chapter 5 of CDV’s upcoming book, “studies clearly show that they have fewer relationships than others and have far more difficulty as adults in achieving intimacy. They find it difficult to make strong emotional connections.”
Signs You’re Ready to Try Loving Again
If you grew up with Childhood Domestic Violence, it’s normal to feel unsure about opening up to love. You may have spent years protecting yourself from the possibility of being hurt. But healing often brings quiet shifts—signs that you’re ready to risk connection again.
Here are a few indicators:
You feel curious about relationships instead of fearful or numb
You’re starting to name and reflect on your emotional patterns
The idea of vulnerability feels hard, but not impossible
You’ve set or are learning to set boundaries that protect without isolating
You want connection, even if you’re not sure how to create it
You’re willing to try, even if you’re scared of getting it wrong
Being ready doesn’t mean you’re completely healed or fearless. It means you’re open to showing up differently, to learning, and to choosing connection over silence. Trying again at love doesn’t erase the past—but it does begin to reshape the future.
Steps to Cultivate Trust and Emotional Connection
If you grew up around domestic violence, trust may not come easily. You may be accustomed to maintaining distance, hiding your emotions, or handling everything on your own. Building connection doesn’t mean rushing into closeness. It means learning how to feel safe while staying present with someone else.
Here are steps that can help:
Start by naming your boundaries Know what makes you feel emotionally secure and where your boundaries lie. You don’t need to explain everything—stay clear with yourself first.
Practice small, consistent honesty Share one thought or feeling at a time, especially when it feels manageable. Connection builds slowly through moments of truth, not big reveals.
Notice your triggers without judgment When you feel anxious, withdrawn, or overwhelmed, take a moment to notice. These feelings often stem from the past, rather than the present.
Check for mutual effort Trust deepens when both people show up. Look for emotional balance, not perfection.
Celebrate connection when it feels good If you feel seen, heard, or supported, acknowledge it to yourself or share it with others. Reinforcing safe moments helps build trust over time.
Take space when needed Emotional connection doesn’t mean constant availability. Taking breaks to regulate or reflect is part of staying grounded.
Learning to connect after CDV isn’t about moving fast or always getting it right. It’s about building something steady, honest, and safe—one step at a time.
The Lies of Childhood Domestic Violence
Former children of domestic violence often falsely believe it’s safer and easier to be alone. Brian Martin goes on to say that “they learn that life is easier and better when they keep people at a distance and their feelings locked away.”
Another LIE the book exposes is the overwhelming feeling of being unattractive or self-conscious that often plagues these individuals, making relationships seem even further out of their grasp. Martin reveals in chapter 10 that this “stems from all the toxic opinions we have absorbed from childhood. We may try to fight the relentlessly negative inner voice with superficial fixes with clothing or makeup, or trade sex for a brief sense of pride.” However, overall, the feeling of being unattractive to others keeps these individuals distant and makes it harder for them to form meaningful relationships.
Growing up with domestic violence also created the false belief of being absolutely unlovable, which persists well into adulthood. Brian Martin in chapter 11 writes, “Without any consistent source of love, you give up hope that you’ll ever have it and, like a prisoner hungry for crumbs, you take whatever you can get.” They settle for bad relationships because they believe they’re not worthy of good ones.
Discovering the Truths Leads to Healthier Relationships
One of the first steps towards having a healthy relationship is to recognize that one’s perception of the Truth – what is normal – is in fact abnormal. It’s difficult after seeing only unhealthy relationships to identify or accept a healthy one. At first, it may seem foreign and uncomfortable because it’s completely different from what one is familiar with.
According to chapter 11, Brian explains, “those of us who grew up experiencing childhood domestic violence missed learning some important lessons about love – some of the fundamental building blocks about how loving people treat each other. Most importantly, we missed out on discovering that we are worthy of love! We never really had the chance to discover what’s so great about ourselves through someone else’s eyes.”
Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone
But the key is to open yourself up to the TRUTH and allow it to replace the false beliefs you learned as a child about yourself and others in your life. You need to understand that it is not normal to live in a constant state of fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, or expecting verbal or physical “punishment” for expressing personal thoughts or feelings. In a healthy relationship, disagreeing is normal, and it is acceptable to disagree without fear and work to find harmonious compromises that are mutually rewarding.
In order to facilitate change, one must want to change, seek out and learn what a healthy relationship entails, and then learn how to model that in everyday life until it becomes habit and replaces the skewed sense of “normal” that has existed for so long. That begins by gaining a healthy sense of self before you can truly allow others in. Loving yourself allows you to wholeheartedly love somebody else.
Former children of DV must truly understand that they do deserve to be loved, treated with respect, and cared for – that it’s their birthright, not a privilege. They deserve to be loved fully, openly, and most importantly, unconditionally, and that they shouldn’t feel guilty for being loved and treated well.
Relationships after a Childhood of Domestic Violence
Unlearning what was learned in childhood and learning anew what constitutes a healthy relationship is not easy. That I can attest to personally, it takes time and a lot of patience from both parties. What I learned is that acknowledging one’s apprehension and confiding in one’s partner will help lead to a deeper understanding and help the former child of domestic violence work through their thoughts, feelings, and fears more effectively by verbalizing and acknowledging them. It also brings the two partners closer together, and the support of the other person helps give the former child of DV greater confidence, further validating the new sense of “normal” they are working to adopt.
Tools and Resources to Support Relationship Healing
Rebuilding trust and connection after growing up with domestic violence takes more than good intentions. It often helps to use practical tools that support reflection, communication, and emotional safety. These resources can guide the process and offer structure, especially when old patterns are hard to change.
Some helpful tools include:
Relationship journals Writing about your thoughts, reactions, or fears can help you process emotions and recognize patterns without conflict.
Attachment style quizzes and guides Learning about how you connect with others can make your reactions feel less confusing and more manageable.
Values clarification worksheets These can help you stay grounded in what you want from a relationship, rather than reacting from fear or habit.
Boundaries practice tools Scripts and exercises can help you express your needs clearly and respectfully without feeling guilty or avoiding them.
Books about trauma-informed relationships Titles that explain how childhood trauma shapes adult connection can offer validation and practical advice.
Couples workbooks or online courses Guided exercises can help both partners develop practical communication skills and gain a deeper understanding of each other.
Supportive communities Online groups or peer-led forums can offer shared language, encouragement, and perspective from others with similar experiences.
These tools don’t replace therapy, but they can supplement it or offer an alternative starting point—relationship healing after CDV is possible. With the proper support, you can move toward connection that feels mutual, safe, and lasting.
Healing Can Take Years
It can take years to work through the trauma and false perceptions of “normal” that plague these individuals’ adult relationships. It took me a long time to come to terms with the impact of my childhood and begin to reverse the damage. It resides so deep within that it’s not an easy fix. Even when you think you’ve worked through everything, years later, a trigger may send you back to that dark place of negativity.
That’s ok. It happens, but as long as you learn to identify, acknowledge, and actively work to resolve it, there is a clear path to moving past it. I did. You can too.
It is never too late to unlearn the false lessons of the past and learn anew. Good, healthy relationships are too rewarding and important in life to let your past overshadow them. You deserved them, and with the right mindset and proactive approach, you can have them.
