By CDV

What Independence Means After CDV

For many who grew up with Childhood Domestic Violence, independence becomes a survival strategy. It often means self-reliance, emotional distance, and refusing to depend on anyone else. After years of unpredictability and unmet needs, learning to do everything alone can feel like the safest path forward.

Independence in this context might look like:

  • Avoiding emotional vulnerability

  • Working hard to never ask for help

  • Feeling uncomfortable with closeness or support

  • Equating need with weakness

  • Making decisions in isolation to avoid disappointment

These patterns are often shaped by early experiences in which trust was broken or where relying on others led to pain. In that sense, independence is often a response to fear, rather than a reflection of personal values or freedom.

While being capable is a strength, independence after CDV can sometimes turn into emotional isolation. The goal isn’t to give up independence, but to recognize when it’s being used as a form of protection rather than a conscious choice. Understanding this difference is a first step toward something deeper: freedom.

Independence and Freedom Often Overlap

Some children learn fierce independence growing up with domestic violence. But being independent is not the same as being free from the Lies learned in that home.

How Independence May Not Bring True Freedom

Independence often looks like freedom from the outside, but for those shaped by Childhood domestic violence, it can sometimes become a new kind of cage. When independence is built on fear, mistrust, or the belief that no one else can be counted on, it may limit more than it liberates.

You might be fully self-sufficient, yet still feel trapped in patterns like:

  • Keeping people at a distance to avoid being hurt

  • Avoiding emotional risks, even when something matters

  • Carrying everything alone, even when overwhelmed

  • Feeling proud of your strength but quietly resentful or exhausted

These habits can protect you, but they can also prevent connection, rest, and growth. Independence without the option to choose interdependence isn’t freedom—it’s survival on repeat.

True freedom means having choices. It means knowing when to lean on others and when to go it alone. It means acting from intention rather than fear. Recognizing the difference can help you shift from reactive independence toward something more grounded and open.

What True Freedom Looks Like in Healing

True freedom after Childhood Domestic Violence isn’t just about being on your own. It’s about reclaiming the ability to choose your responses, your relationships, and your direction in life. Freedom means you are no longer ruled by the past, even if it still echoes in your thoughts.

In healing, freedom may look like:

  • Trusting someone enough to ask for help

  • Saying no without guilt, or yes without fear

  • Making choices based on your values, not old fears

  • Feeling safe in your body, home, and relationships

  • Letting go of roles you took on just to survive

  • Accepting love or kindness without suspicion

Freedom also includes internal shifts. It’s the difference between reacting and responding. Between being guarded and being present. Between avoiding pain and choosing purpose.

For someone who grew up with CDV, this kind of freedom is built slowly. It’s not always loud or dramatic. Sometimes, it’s just the quiet moment when you realize you don’t have to live by the same rules anymore. You’re allowed to want connection. You’re allowed to feel safe. You’re allowed to choose what happens next.

They learn at an Early Age to Rely Exclusively on Themselves and No One Else

Often stuck in a physical environment that is violent, stressful, and painful, these children often grow up choosing to distance themselves emotionally from others, since it is difficult to distance themselves physically. They learn at an early age to rely exclusively on themselves and no one else.

That Independent Spirit You’ve Developed Can be Used to Achieve Real Freedom from the Lies

However, there is a significant difference between the independence and self-reliance they acquire and the freedom from the lies learned in those homes. The path to breaking free of them now as an adult isn’t always clear. The common thread is that the same resiliency and strength you develop growing up with domestic violence that lead you to independence can be used, along with that independent spirit you’ve developed, to achieve real freedom from the Lies as an adult.

Eleanor’s Earliest Memories of Violence Occurred when She Was 3

To illustrate this, I’d like to share the story of Eleanor, who was always an independent spirit. Shortly after Eleanor was born, her mother, who was living in the Northwest, moved the family back to the Midwest to be near relatives. She’d completely broken off her relationship with Eleanor’s birth father, a military man, to raise Eleanor on her own. But she soon met Johnnie, the man who would become Eleanor’s stepfather, and the only father figure in her life. Eleanor’s earliest memories of violence occurred when she was 3. “It was the middle of the night, and I woke up to this huge commotion in the living room,” she recalls. “I ran in to see what was going on and saw my stepdad viciously beating my mother. Mom yelled at me to get help, and for a moment, I froze, until my stepdad turned to face me.”

Eleanor, still little more than a toddler, ran to her grandparents’ house a few doors down. She struggled to explain to them what happened, sensing it was something terrible and shameful, but somehow they understood and called 911. The police came and escorted her stepfather away from the house.

The Abuse Continued on and off Until Eleanor Turned 17



But, of course, Johnnie returned, and the abuse continued on and off until Eleanor turned 17. While Eleanor exhibited immense courage, even at the young age of 3, she would not be able to escape the next 14 years of continued violence. She began to learn that she was the only one she could depend on.

Her Self-Sufficiency Perpetuated One of the Key Lies that CDV Teaches – the Alone Lie

 

Eleanor’s self-sufficiency, while admirable, would lead her to develop a habitual mistrust of others, which perpetuates one of the key Lies that CDV teachesthe “alone” liethat reinforces her inclination to keep her distance.

Your Resilience and Self-Sufficiency Can also Empower You to Create Strong, Fulfilling, Deeply Rewarding Relationships

Fortunately, Eleanor’s independent spirit would also help set her free of this lie later in life, when she realized it was not serving her well at all. If you, like Eleanor, learned to detach yourself from others because you experienced a childhood of domestic violence, know that your resilience and self-sufficiency can also empower you to create strong, fulfilling, deeply rewarding relationships, even though you may have used them in the past to keep others at a distance.

The alone lie may be keeping you from building real relationships in your life and realizing true freedom in your life. But you can make this shift by consciously choosing to live the truth – to trust, both yourself and others – even when it feels like a risk.

Steps to Move from Independence to Freedom

Moving from survival-based independence to true freedom is a gradual process. It doesn’t mean giving up your strength. It means expanding your options and letting go of patterns that no longer serve you.

Here are steps that can help shift from isolation to choice:

  • Notice your habits around control
    Do you avoid help even when it’s offered? Do you feel the need to prove you can do everything alone?

  • Name the fear beneath independence
    Often, independence is a response to fear of rejection, betrayal, or disappointment. Acknowledge that fear without judgment.

  • Experiment with small trust exercises
    Let someone help with a task. Share something vulnerable with a safe person. Give yourself a chance to see what happens.

  • Create boundaries that protect, not isolate
    Boundaries are about clarity, not walls. Use them to define what you need—not to shut people out.

  • Connect to your values
    Make choices that align with who you want to be now, not just who you had to be then.

  • Celebrate new choices
    When you allow yourself to ask for support, feel joy, or take emotional risks, recognize that as progress.

Freedom isn’t about never needing anyone. It’s about feeling safe enough to decide when you do—and knowing you’re still strong either way.

Tools and Practices That Support Real Liberation

True liberation after Childhood Domestic Violence isn’t about escaping the past. It’s about building a life where your choices aren’t driven by fear, shame, or habit. You don’t have to rely only on therapy to begin that process. There are accessible tools and daily practices that can help you create space for reflection, choice, and emotional safety.

Here are tools and practices that support that shift:

  • Values-based journaling
    Writing regularly about what matters to you now can help separate old survival scripts from your present goals.

  • Somatic practices
    Grounding exercises, breathwork, or gentle movement can reconnect you with your body and help reduce internal tension.

  • Visual reminders
    Post phrases or symbols in your space that reflect your current values, not your past fears. These can help you pause before reacting.

  • Choice mapping
    When faced with a familiar emotional response, ask: “What are my actual choices right now?” This helps interrupt automatic reactions.

  • Creative expression
    Music, art, or storytelling can let you express what words can’t and help shift emotional energy into movement and reflection.

  • Supportive routines
    Create a rhythm to your days that brings clarity, calm, and a sense of control without rigidity.

These practices won’t rewrite the past, but they can help you step into something different. Real liberation means you don’t have to live as if the past is still happening. You get to decide what happens next and who you become in the process.

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