By CDV
What Independence Means After CDV
For many who grew up with Childhood Domestic Violence, independence becomes a survival strategy. It often means self-reliance, emotional distance, and refusing to depend on anyone else. After years of unpredictability and unmet needs, learning to do everything alone can feel like the safest path forward.
Independence in this context might look like:
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Avoiding emotional vulnerability
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Working hard to never ask for help
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Feeling uncomfortable with closeness or support
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Equating need with weakness
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Making decisions in isolation to avoid disappointment
These patterns are often shaped by early experiences in which trust was broken or where relying on others led to pain. In that sense, independence is often a response to fear, rather than a reflection of personal values or freedom.
While being capable is a strength, independence after CDV can sometimes turn into emotional isolation. The goal isn’t to give up independence, but to recognize when it’s being used as a form of protection rather than a conscious choice. Understanding this difference is a first step toward something deeper: freedom.
Independence and Freedom Often Overlap
Some children learn fierce independence growing up with domestic violence. But being independent is not the same as being free from the Lies learned in that home.
How Independence May Not Bring True Freedom
Independence often looks like freedom from the outside, but for those shaped by Childhood domestic violence, it can sometimes become a new kind of cage. When independence is built on fear, mistrust, or the belief that no one else can be counted on, it may limit more than it liberates.
You might be fully self-sufficient, yet still feel trapped in patterns like:
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Keeping people at a distance to avoid being hurt
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Avoiding emotional risks, even when something matters
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Carrying everything alone, even when overwhelmed
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Feeling proud of your strength but quietly resentful or exhausted
These habits can protect you, but they can also prevent connection, rest, and growth. Independence without the option to choose interdependence isn’t freedom—it’s survival on repeat.
True freedom means having choices. It means knowing when to lean on others and when to go it alone. It means acting from intention rather than fear. Recognizing the difference can help you shift from reactive independence toward something more grounded and open.
What True Freedom Looks Like in Healing
True freedom after Childhood Domestic Violence isn’t just about being on your own. It’s about reclaiming the ability to choose your responses, your relationships, and your direction in life. Freedom means you are no longer ruled by the past, even if it still echoes in your thoughts.
In healing, freedom may look like:
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Trusting someone enough to ask for help
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Saying no without guilt, or yes without fear
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Making choices based on your values, not old fears
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Feeling safe in your body, home, and relationships
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Letting go of roles you took on just to survive
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Accepting love or kindness without suspicion
Freedom also includes internal shifts. It’s the difference between reacting and responding. Between being guarded and being present. Between avoiding pain and choosing purpose.
For someone who grew up with CDV, this kind of freedom is built slowly. It’s not always loud or dramatic. Sometimes, it’s just the quiet moment when you realize you don’t have to live by the same rules anymore. You’re allowed to want connection. You’re allowed to feel safe. You’re allowed to choose what happens next.
They learn at an Early Age to Rely Exclusively on Themselves and No One Else
Often stuck in a physical environment that is violent, stressful, and painful, these children often grow up choosing to distance themselves emotionally from others, since it is difficult to distance themselves physically. They learn at an early age to rely exclusively on themselves and no one else.
That Independent Spirit You’ve Developed Can be Used to Achieve Real Freedom from the Lies
However, there is a significant difference between the independence and self-reliance they acquire and the freedom from the lies learned in those homes. The path to breaking free of them now as an adult isn’t always clear. The common thread is that the same resiliency and strength you develop growing up with domestic violence that lead you to independence can be used, along with that independent spirit you’ve developed, to achieve real freedom from the Lies as an adult.
Eleanor’s Earliest Memories of Violence Occurred when She Was 3
To illustrate this, I’d like to share the story of Eleanor, who was always an independent spirit. Shortly after Eleanor was born, her mother, who was living in the Northwest, moved the family back to the Midwest to be near relatives. She’d completely broken off her relationship with Eleanor’s birth father, a military man, to raise Eleanor on her own. But she soon met Johnnie, the man who would become Eleanor’s stepfather, and the only father figure in her life. Eleanor’s earliest memories of violence occurred when she was 3. “It was the middle of the night, and I woke up to this huge commotion in the living room,” she recalls. “I ran in to see what was going on and saw my stepdad viciously beating my mother. Mom yelled at me to get help, and for a moment, I froze, until my stepdad turned to face me.”
Eleanor, still little more than a toddler, ran to her grandparents’ house a few doors down. She struggled to explain to them what happened, sensing it was something terrible and shameful, but somehow they understood and called 911. The police came and escorted her stepfather away from the house.
The Abuse Continued on and off Until Eleanor Turned 17
But, of course, Johnnie returned, and the abuse continued on and off until Eleanor turned 17. While Eleanor exhibited immense courage, even at the young age of 3, she would not be able to escape the next 14 years of continued violence. She began to learn that she was the only one she could depend on.
Her Self-Sufficiency Perpetuated One of the Key Lies that CDV Teaches – the Alone Lie
Eleanor’s self-sufficiency, while admirable, would lead her to develop a habitual mistrust of others, which perpetuates one of the key Lies that CDV teaches—the “alone” lie—that reinforces her inclination to keep her distance.
Your Resilience and Self-Sufficiency Can also Empower You to Create Strong, Fulfilling, Deeply Rewarding Relationships
Fortunately, Eleanor’s independent spirit would also help set her free of this lie later in life, when she realized it was not serving her well at all. If you, like Eleanor, learned to detach yourself from others because you experienced a childhood of domestic violence, know that your resilience and self-sufficiency can also empower you to create strong, fulfilling, deeply rewarding relationships, even though you may have used them in the past to keep others at a distance.
The alone lie may be keeping you from building real relationships in your life and realizing true freedom in your life. But you can make this shift by consciously choosing to live the truth – to trust, both yourself and others – even when it feels like a risk.