The Surprising Source of Resentment After CDV

What Is Resentment and Why It Follows CDV

Resentment is a deep, lingering anger that often hides under frustration, irritability, or detachment. For many who grew up with childhood domestic violence (CDV), resentment isn’t just about what happened; it’s about what was missing. Feeling powerless, unheard, or emotionally abandoned during formative years can plant the seed for long-term resentment.

When a child witnesses violence between caregivers, they often suppress their own needs to survive. As they grow up, the buried feelings—hurt, confusion, fear—don’t disappear. Instead, they may resurface as resentment toward others, toward the past, or even toward themselves.

Resentment after CDV often sounds like:

“No one protected me.”
“I shouldn’t have had to go through that.”
“Why am I still carrying this while others move on?”
“I don’t trust people to care about me.”

These thoughts are valid. Resentment is a response to betrayal and loss of control—especially when the people who were supposed to keep you safe caused harm or allowed it to happen. Naming it is the first step toward softening its hold. Recognizing how CDV leads to resentment creates space for self-understanding and opens the door to healthier coping mechanisms.

Where Does Resentment Come From?

It is common to feel some sense of resentment after growing up experiencing adversity in childhood. The origin of your resentment may surprise you, however. There’s no better way to demonstrate this than through the story of Marina, who survived bitter resentment and grew to experience immense personal joy despite childhood adversities, including childhood domestic violence. Please, take our CDV screening tool to see if CDV has affected your life.

How Resentment Affects Relationships and Self-Worth

Resentment shaped by Childhood Domestic Violence (CDV) often lingers into adult life, showing up in subtle but damaging ways. Because it’s rooted in early betrayal, rejection, or neglect, resentment can shape how you view others—and how you view yourself.

In relationships, it may look like:

Distrust or emotional distance—assuming others will let you down
Irritability or defensiveness, especially when you feel criticized or misunderstood
Struggles with forgiveness, even over small mistakes
Pushing people away to protect yourself from future hurt
Overgiving, followed by quiet anger when your needs aren’t met

In terms of self-worth, resentment can turn inward, leading to feelings of self-doubt and low self-esteem. You may feel:

“I’m too much” or “not enough” in relationships
A constant need to prove yourself or earn affection
Guilt for being angry, even when it’s justified
Shame for still carrying the past

Resentment is often the mind’s way of holding onto justice when nothing was made right. But over time, it can block connection, growth, and peace. Understanding how resentment from CDV impacts self-esteem and relationships is a step toward breaking old patterns—and choosing new responses that serve your present, not just your past.

Signs Resentment from CDV Is Undermining You

Resentment from Childhood Domestic Violence often builds over time. You may not always recognize it, but it can shape your reactions, decisions, and emotional patterns in ways that limit growth and connection.

Here are common signs it may be affecting you:

You struggle to trust others, even when they show care or consistency
You feel irritated easily, especially in situations that remind you of past powerlessness
You replay old memories, often thinking about what should have been different
You avoid asking for help, feeling others will let you down or use it against you
You feel like people owe you something, but you’re not sure what
You turn anger inward, blaming yourself for still feeling stuck
You hesitate to forgive, even small things, because it feels like letting someone off the hook

Resentment doesn’t always manifest in loud or explosive ways. Sometimes it shows up as emotional distance, withdrawal, or numbness. The longer it goes unnamed, the more it can block trust, peace, and a stable sense of self. Naming it doesn’t mean excusing what happened—it means giving yourself the chance to respond differently now.

It Is Impossible for a Person to be Happy When She Still Harbors Resentment

It is next to impossible for a person to be happy when they still harbor resentment toward themselves or others. Marina’s story shows that the LIE of RESENTMENT learned growing up with domestic violence can hold you hostage and become a vicious cycle, inherited across generations, just like the violence that causes it.

I hope that by exploring this with you, we will shed light on the pervasive lies that lead to resentment and, in time, be able to release these lies and embrace the truth: compassion. Only compassion, not resentment, can lead you into the life of happiness you deserve.

Her Early Childhood Was Full of Laughter

The first few years of Marina’s life in rural Argentina were in many ways ideal. Her early childhood was full of laughter, family feasts, warmth, and security. Her mother, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins played together, ate together, protected each other, and cherished the presence of this bright-eyed, inquisitive little girl.

They taught her everything she needed to know about familial love. They were so close that she even shared a bed with her grandmother, who, along with a beloved uncle, helped raise her while her mother was away at work.

He Was Determined to Show Everyone that He Was Somebody to Be Reckoned With

Marina’s dad, Raoul, had left just months after she was born to seek his fortune in America. Her parents hadn’t known each other very long, and Marina wasn’t planned. They got married because “in a small town in Latin America, that’s what you did when you got pregnant.” But her dad decided it was best to try his luck in the land of opportunity. His own family was poor and uneducated, so he was determined to prove his worth and show everyone that he was somebody to be reckoned with.

Her Mother Wrote to Her Father and Asked for a Divorce

By the time Marina turned 6, her mother wrote to her father and asked for a divorce. It seemed obvious he was never going to be a part of the family picture back in Argentina, so it was time to make that official.

Marina’s dad pleaded with her mother to come to the United States and bring Marina. He told her he was ready to provide a comfortable life for his wife and daughter, and wanted to try to be a family. Marina’s mom decided it would be unfair to her daughter if she didn’t give her a chance to get to know her birth father, so she agreed.

“She didn’t want to have me grow up without a father and have me ask about him later in life,” Marina explains. “She didn’t want me to live without that experience and regret it later.”

It Was the Beginning of a Joyless Upbringing

By this time, Marina’s mom didn’t feel much for the man, but at least, she thought, he was trying to do the right thing by his family. An education in America for their daughter would be an added bonus. Marina’s father had fulfilled his ambition and become a success, establishing a thriving catering business in the Northeast.

It should have been a fresh start filled with promise. Instead, it was the beginning of a joyless upbringing full of emotional abuse that bred sadness, bitterness, and resentment.

He Resented His Wife and Daughter for Having a “Better Life”

Marina’s father experienced adversity in childhood as well. As an adult, he wasn’t physically violent toward his family, though. He prided himself on never laying a hand on them and reminded them of this fact often, as if Marina and her mother should consider themselves lucky that they weren’t being hit. However, his words and other actions were purposely chosen to cause pain in another way.

Although he considered himself superior to his own father because he wasn’t physically abusive, his put-downs and reprimands were as constant as they were harsh. It was as if he resented his wife and daughter for having a “better life” than he had had himself.

You Can Now Choose Compassion and End the Vicious Cycle

Resentment flows in many directions, as we can see here. Had Marina’s father shown compassion to his wife and child, rather than resenting them for suffering less than he had suffered, he could have broken the cycle of suffering. This is the origin of resentment and also the secret to surpassing it. Since Marina’s father could not show compassion, it would now be up to Marina to find a way to transform her inherited resentment into compassion.

If you came to resent one or more adults in your household, perhaps you, too, can now look deeper and see how their behavior may have been the result of inheriting resentment in their own lives. The greater gift of this awareness is to know that you can now choose compassion over resentment and end the vicious cycle.

Please share in the comments below if you know your parent or guardian’s story about how they grew up. Did they also grow up facing adversity in childhood and struggle with resentment, perhaps handing it on to you as a rite of passage?

Steps to Begin Releasing Resentment

Letting go of resentment formed during childhood isn’t about forgetting or minimizing what happened. It’s about loosening its hold so it no longer shapes how you respond to the present.

Here are steps that can help:

Name the feeling
Start by acknowledging that what you feel is resentment. Labeling it helps shift it from a reaction to something you can reflect on.
Trace the origin
Ask yourself where the resentment began. Was it tied to a broken promise, a betrayal, or a time you felt completely powerless?
Connect it to unmet needs
Resentment often grows from needs that were ignored or denied. Identify what those were—safety, love, fairness—and permit yourself to want them still.
Write it down
Journaling the resentment can reduce its emotional charge. You don’t need to share it or resolve it all at once. Just get it out of your head and onto paper.
Practice small releases
Let go of minor frustrations on purpose. You might say to yourself, “This isn’t mine to carry,” or “That was then, this is now.”
Focus on boundaries, not revenge
Holding onto resentment often feels like a form of protection. Replacing it with healthy boundaries can help you stay safe without staying stuck.
Consider support tools
If you’re not ready for therapy, try guided workbooks or structured journaling exercises focused on anger, grief, or early childhood stress.

Releasing resentment doesn’t mean excusing harm. It means making space for peace, even if the past was never made right. You don’t have to carry what was never yours to begin with.

Tools and Practices That Help Move Beyond Resentment

You don’t need to rely only on therapy to work through resentment tied to Childhood Domestic Violence. There are practical tools and everyday habits that can support reflection, emotional processing, and gradual release.

Consider these approaches:

Guided journals focused on anger or grief
These can help unpack thoughts and identify patterns without requiring deep emotional disclosure.
Daily check-ins or mood trackers
Keeping a record of emotional ups and downs helps build awareness of when and where resentment surfaces.
Structured routines
Predictable schedules reduce the sense of chaos that often feeds frustration and irritability.
Visualization or mindfulness practices
Simple techniques like imagining a “mental drop box” for recurring thoughts can help quiet mental loops tied to past hurt.
Boundary-setting worksheets or scripts
Practicing how to say no or express discomfort can reduce the build-up of unspoken resentment in current relationships.
Values clarification exercises
When you feel stuck in old anger, reconnecting with your core values can help shift focus toward what matters most now.
Supportive media
Books, podcasts, or videos from people who have worked through similar patterns can normalize the process and offer reassurance.

No single tool will undo years of buried emotion, but repeated use of even one of these practices can start to ease the pressure. The goal isn’t to erase resentment overnight. It’s to interrupt the pattern and give yourself more space to breathe, respond, and feel like yourself again.

How Resentment Grows from Childhood Domestic Violence—and What You Can Do