By Brian F. Martin, Author of INVINCIBLE
Everyone Deals with Low Self-Esteem Sometimes
Everyone will, at some point, suffer from bouts of low self-esteem. We feel it now and then as we make our way through school, relationships, and careers. Even people who did not face adversity in childhood experience occasional low self-esteem and need to remind themselves that they are good enough.
When it Comes to CDV, Feelings of Worthlessness are a Symptom
However, in the lives of people who experienced adversity in childhood, feeling worthless is a constant theme that can persist into adulthood. Here, we explore the cognitive reasons behind why we may develop a sense of worthlessness.
What Does “Worthlessness” Feel Like After Childhood Domestic Violence?
Growing up in a home with domestic violence can profoundly affect how a child sees themselves. If you experienced CDV, feelings of worthlessness might show up in ways that are hard to name but still impact your daily life.
CDV Worthlessness Symptoms
You might:
- Constantly doubt your value, even when others affirm it
- Feel like a burden in relationships or at work
- Struggle to accept praise or kindness
- Push people away before they can reject you
- Believe you’re undeserving of good things—love, rest, success
- Have an inner critic that calls you lazy, stupid, or weak
- Overwork or overachieve just to feel “enough” for a moment
Worthlessness after CDV isn’t about your actual worth. It’s a learned response, shaped by growing up in an environment where love, safety, and affirmation were often unstable or conditional.
Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward changing them. You’re not broken. You’re responding in the way your past taught you to survive. However, it’s possible to build something different.
How CDV Distorts Identity and Self-Esteem
When a child grows up in a home marked by domestic violence, their sense of identity and self-worth often forms around instability, fear, and emotional confusion. Instead of learning “I am loved,” “I am safe,” or “I matter,” they may internalize very different messages:
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“I’m the reason this is happening.”
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“If I were better, they’d stop fighting.”
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“My needs don’t count.”
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“Love means chaos or pain.”
These early messages can quietly shape how someone sees themselves well into adulthood. It’s not always obvious. You might look functional on the outside: holding a job and maintaining relationships while still feeling hollow, ashamed, or like you’re performing a version of yourself to avoid rejection or conflict.
CDV distorts identity by prioritizing survival. You learn to read a room instead of checking in with your own feelings. You stay small, agreeable, or invisible because it feels safer. And over time, it becomes harder to know who you are when you’re not reacting to someone else’s mood or anger.
Low self-esteem in this context isn’t vanity or self-pity. It’s the result of years spent learning that your feelings, boundaries, or needs didn’t matter. Unlearning the lie of worthlessness means starting to rebuild a sense of self that isn’t defined by fear or erasure. And that begins with recognizing that the problem was never you; it was the environment you were forced to survive.
Steps You Can Take to Rebuild Self-Worth
- Name the Voice
Many people who grew up with Childhood Domestic Violence carry an internal voice that’s critical, harsh, or dismissive. Start by noticing it. Whose voice does it sound like? When does it get louder? Naming it helps separate those beliefs from who you are now. - Practice Self-Validation
Instead of asking, “Was my pain valid?” try stating: “That was hard, and it affected me.” You don’t need anyone else’s permission to acknowledge what you went through. - Challenge Inherited Beliefs
If you learned that your worth depended on being perfect, needed, or silent, ask yourself: “Is that true? Is it helping me now?” You don’t have to keep carrying beliefs that came from survival, not identity. - Set Small Boundaries
Start with low-risk moments: saying no to something minor, speaking honestly with a trusted friend, or taking a break when you’re overwhelmed. Each time you set a boundary, you reinforce the idea that your needs matter. - Track What You Do Right
Instead of obsessing over mistakes, keep a quiet record of what you did well today—no matter how small. This helps retrain your attention away from shame and toward truth. - Choose Environments That See You Clearly
Seek out people and spaces where you’re not just tolerated, but understood. Being around others who reflect back your worth, without condition, can make rebuilding it possible. - Be Patient With Yourself
You didn’t learn shame overnight. Rebuilding self-worth is slow, layered work. You’re not failing if it takes time; you’re unlearning what was never yours to begin with.
When to Seek Help for Low Self-Esteem from CDV
If you’re still struggling with low self-esteem after growing up with Childhood Domestic Violence, it may be time to seek help. This is especially true if your inner voice is constantly critical or if you struggle to recognize your strengths, even when others do. You might feel unworthy of love, happiness, or success, no matter how hard you work for them. Sometimes, this leads to self-sabotage, where you push away relationships, jobs, or opportunities because something inside tells you that you don’t deserve them.
Many people in this situation depend heavily on external validation to feel okay, and they become anxious when it’s missing. You might tolerate mistreatment or neglect because it feels familiar or because speaking up still feels unsafe. Even basic self-respect, such as setting boundaries or asking for support, can feel uncomfortable. In some cases, the shame runs so deep that emotional numbness takes over in moments when pride or connection should be possible.
You don’t need to wait for things to get worse. These signs are not personal failings. They are signals that something painful is still unresolved. A trauma-informed therapist can help you work through these patterns and start rebuilding the sense of worth that was disrupted in childhood.
However, not everyone wants or needs talk therapy. There are other options, like worksheets, programs, and books. There are many paths away from the lies of CDV; it’s about finding the right one for you.
If you’re not sure whether or not you grew up with domestic violence, feel free to use our free and private CDV screening questionnaire.