By Muyesser

Hi , my name is Muyesser, a child, teen, woman never survived.

There was blood on the walls, and broken furniture, three of us in different corners of the room terrified, frozen, mom could not fight back, we never screamed or asked for help because there would be no one coming for our rescue. He had massive fists, mom so tiny, slim, long haired would be thrown from one corner to the other.

I couldn’t even look, could not move, could only hear her little voice asking him to stop… I grew up listening him coming into the house, drunk every night, and start beating mom for no reason, just because he could. She was beaten up over and over, every night for 18 years before dad got cancer and died within 6 months. Mom was battered by her mom then carried on with dad and mom would beat me up when she would get cross with me. There was lots of calling names and insults as well. I grew up feeling so inferior and had zero self-esteem. I never remember being strong or having a personality of my own.

From the age of 8, I was sexually abused by uncle where everything finished for me before it actually started. I never learned to be someone. I grew up not knowing what it meant to be ‘me’. Always scared of dad’s violence, never really felt close to mom and hated the whole family because they never noticed that I was being abused in every sense , sexually, physically and psychologically.

My relationship with men has never been a real thing. I’ve never really had a romantic or serious one. I’ve never dated a man feeling loved, belonged, or had a feeling that I’d stay with him and get married because I never believed myself, liked myself or trusted myself.

I am 52 now and only recently realized that I, in fact never, trusted myself, not for a second believed in myself that I was beautiful, intelligent, kind and trustworthy. I could be a life-long friend with the right person.
I ended up childless because not for a second did I believe that I would make a good mother.

I feel empty and lonely at times and after mom died I ended up I got worse to the point that I don’t enjoy a thing about life at all.