* During the writing of INVINCIBLE, contributor Nick used the pseudonym “Adam”
How Childhood Domestic Violence Teaches Anger
When we learn that anger is a natural and expected response to many life situations, we not only accept our anger but also accept the anger in others. This often leads those who experienced Childhood Domestic Violence to find themselves in violent relationships as adults.
So, how can we unlearn the lie of anger and focus all of that energy towards passions that matter most in life?
A Transformative Story: Using Anger as Fuel for Change
You may recall the story of Adam in the book INVINCIBLE, who overcame the adversities of his childhood and the resulting addiction in his adulthood to achieve success in his field. He had to learn that violence was not his fault and that although his parents loved him, they were unable to express it in a normal fashion. He grew up confused and had to undo the lies to learn the truth about his worth.
We’re going to take a closer look at Adam’s childhood story and explore where it takes him as an adult. We’ll see that without a healthy model for love and kindness, those who experience CDV not only grow up angry but are also more likely to be victims or perpetrators later in life.
Why Anger Follows Us from Childhood into Adulthood
This was the case for Adam. Both Adam’s parents were extremely angry and also violent with each other. As Adam grew into adulthood, his own anger began to spill over into his life.
After he moved out of his parents’ house, which he described as the best day of his life, he started drinking heavily and dating abusive partners. He began blacking out during his partying and letting his weekend extend into his week. He was continuing the domestic violence that he had learned growing up in his childhood home. It takes time and effort to unlearn the lies from childhood domestic violence, and that starts with awareness of how they begin.
When to Seek Help for Anger Stemming from CDV
“My whole childhood set me up to believe that even if someone treated you like crap—was verbally abusive or hit you—it didn’t mean they didn’t love you or you shouldn’t be with them,” he says. “And I was just as abusive right back.” At age 27, after a number of unexplained absences from work, Adam nearly got fired. That was when he asked himself, “What could this cost me?”
The fear of losing a job he loved, along with his hunger for financial independence, prompted him to take some dramatic steps: He ended his violent relationship and got his drinking under control, entering six months of rehab. Through the many relationships he formed in rehab, which he continues to foster, Adam was able to engage with people whom he trusts, open up about his past, and help others who grew up living with domestic violence.
Steps to Transform Anger into Positive Energy
The pattern of self-anger and harmful behaviors, as a result of the adversities experienced in childhood, can be stopped, but only through forgiveness. Adam gradually forgave himself and his family, although he admits, “It’s an ongoing process.” He also realized that he could direct his anger toward working harder at his career. Having a successful career was a way of proving to others that he was neither unimportant nor powerless and that he was not to be ignored. He had discovered the power of transforming his anger into passion and the benefit of helping himself by helping others.
If you’re not sure whether or not you grew up with domestic violence, feel free to use our free and private CDV screening questionnaire.