Building the Life You Deserve After Childhood Domestic Violence

By Cris Chocolat, Guest Blogger, Entrepreneur, Artist, and Advocate

Understanding the Impact of CDV on Life Expectations

Sometimes We Feel Like Giving Up

We all go through moments in our lives when we feel like giving up. It is in those moments when a recurring memory comes to me: a vision of my mother sewing my kindergarten graduation dress at 2 a.m. with so much love and care. Despite feeling pain in her hands, she sewed tiny beads piece by piece so I could be happy that day.

I can talk about the endless things my beautiful mother did so we could have happy memories. She tried so hard to numb the pain that we were going through, witnessing what was happening, but not fully understanding it.  For a child who grows up with domestic violence in their home, it’s hard to comprehend what exactly is going on. And more than having a recollection of events, it’s the feelings we end up with at the end of each day:  sadness, fear, and hopelessness.

Every day, I would go to sleep with nightmares from hearing their screams, and every day, I would go to school feeling sick to my stomach—every day.  I didn’t eat much and didn’t talk much either. I was a skinny and shy kid, quiet but very observant.  Despite feeling the way I did, I tried my best at school, earning the best grades and being bullied by my classmates for being a nerd.  My classmates’ rejections did hurt me, but I was fortunate to have very beloved best friends that reminded me that I was loved – my older brothers and my dog.

The Consequences of Childhood Domestic Violence Followed Me

It was in high school when the consequences of that violence were more devastating, physically, financially, and emotionally.  I went through a period of depression and ended up developing asthma.  Despite all of it, I still did well at school, graduating from college 2nd best in my class.  But I soon realized that earning good grades didn’t determine my success in life. I needed to develop other skills, and, most importantly, I needed to heal from my childhood experiences.

When I went out into the world, I had trouble finding a job, keeping friends and living a happy life.  I was lucky enough to be given an opportunity to work. My first job was at the same kindergarten where I went to as a child.  Going back to that place brought back all my childhood memories and started an unexpected path towards healing.  The moment when I held one of my student’s hands, I realized I had to protect her and be the best role model I could be for her. I realized that I had grown up and that I had to take care of myself first to be able to take care of others.  Being in that place where the children were treated with love and were so joyful woke the joy in me. I felt curious and happy like a child.

Making Art and Helping Others Changed Everything

I started to feel the need to create and bring happiness to others, so I made art. I struggled a lot at first to make that creativity come out, but I felt I had to do it, so I took a leap of faith.

I started going to the local art events, and made some friends, but still I felt insecure about my abilities since I was just starting and all of these people had years doing it.  I was about to quit but one of my friends told me “you make art like a child, it is very simple, but sometimes the most simple things are the most beautiful.” His words stuck with me and so I started making art. I soon found out the feelings of peace, love and joy that making art bring into someone’s life.

My life changed the moment I held that child’s hand. I went from being stuck in a place of pain, to regaining the power to create the life I deserved, becoming an entrepreneur, expressing myself through art, and being a voice to others through Childhood Domestic Violence (CDV) advocacy.

Everyone’s healing path is different, but once you are determined to heal, life will show you the way. Trust your journey and love yourself every step of the way.  May you live the beautiful life you deserve.

Defining What ‘Deserved Life’ Means for You

If you grew up with Childhood Domestic Violence, the idea of a life you deserve might feel vague or even out of reach. You may have been told directly or indirectly that your needs didn’t matter, that peace was for other people, or that survival was the best you could hope for. Those messages aren’t facts. They are patterns shaped by the environment you were raised in.

Defining what a deserved life means for you starts with rejecting those early scripts. It doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s vision of success. It only needs to feel real, sustainable, and honest for you.

You might ask yourself:

• What kind of relationships feel safe, mutual, and grounding?

• What does emotional stability look like in my daily routine?

• Where do I feel most like myself, and how can I get there more often?

• What have I always wanted that I never let myself name?

• How do I want to talk to myself when I make a mistake?

This isn’t about chasing perfection. It’s about reclaiming authorship over your life. When you define what you deserve, you’re no longer reacting to the past. You’re deciding what happens next. Even small shifts in how you think, speak, and act can create the foundation for a life that reflects who you are now, not just what you survived.

Steps to Reclaim Choice, Joy, and Purpose

Growing up with childhood domestic violence can make life feel reactive instead of intentional. The focus often shifts to survival, rather than choice. As an adult, reclaiming joy and purpose begins with learning how to make decisions from a place of self-awareness rather than fear or habit.

These steps can help you move in that direction:

• Reflect without judgment
  Notice when you’re acting out of obligation, guilt, or survival. Ask yourself, “What would I choose if fear weren’t in the way?”

• Start with small yeses
  Say yes to something simple that brings relief or satisfaction, like going for a walk, turning down a request, or choosing rest over productivity.

• Make space for joy, even if it feels unfamiliar
  Joy doesn’t have to be earned. Try something playful or calming, even if it feels undeserved or strange at first.

• Define what purpose means to you
  Purpose doesn’t have to be grand. It can mean showing up for someone, creating something small, or setting a new boundary. Let it grow over time.

• Keep a journal of intentional choices
  Track when you make a choice you feel good about, even if it’s small. This helps rewire your sense of control.

• Let go of roles that no longer fit
  If you were the fixer, the quiet one, or the one who made peace, you get to choose again. You are not obligated to remain who you were in survival mode.

Reclaiming your life doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen. It means refusing to let it keep deciding for you. You still get to choose who you are and how you live. Even one new choice can shift the direction.

Tools and Practices for Creating Sustainable Change

Making lasting change after growing up with childhood domestic violence often requires more than motivation. Patterns shaped by fear, survival, or emotional chaos don’t shift overnight. Sustainable change happens through small, steady practices that reinforce safety, clarity, and choice over time.

Here are tools and approaches that can help:

• Daily or weekly reflection prompts
  Use simple questions like “What did I choose today?” or “What did I avoid and why?” to build awareness without judgment.

• Routine building
  Create a rhythm for your day that gives you more predictability. This helps reduce overwhelm and supports nervous system regulation.

• Values-based decision making
  When facing a choice, ask whether it aligns with what matters to you now, not with what you were taught to fear or prioritize.

• Body-based grounding practices
  Use breathing, stretching, or simple movement to reconnect when you feel detached or reactive.

• Self-written scripts
  Draft sentences to help you navigate hard conversations, set boundaries, or decline requests. Having language ready reduces stress and second-guessing.

• Track your progress in patterns, not outcomes
  Instead of asking “Did I fix it?” look at whether you showed up differently. Repetition builds new responses.

These tools are most effective when used regularly and adapted to your pace. Sustainable change isn’t about doing everything perfectly. It’s about making room for who you’re becoming and reinforcing it in the choices you make each day.

How to Protect Your Vision Over Time

When you begin building a life shaped by your own values and not by childhood domestic violence, it’s easy to lose momentum. Life gets busy. Doubts return. Old habits try to pull you back. Protecting your vision means staying close to what you believe is possible, even when it’s uncomfortable or unfamiliar.

Here are strategies to help:

• Keep your vision visible
  Write it down. Post it somewhere you’ll see often. A few words that reflect what you’re working toward can remind you why it matters.

• Create systems of support
  Whether it’s a therapist, a friend, or a private journal, have places where you can process setbacks without shame or self-judgment.

• Track progress gently
  Look for shifts in behavior, not perfection. Noticing when you pause instead of reacting, or speak up instead of withdrawing, shows growth.

• Check in with yourself regularly
  Ask, “Is this decision moving me closer to the life I want?” Let that question guide your choices when things feel unclear.

• Adjust, but stay anchored
  Your vision might evolve, but the core of it—safety, connection, agency—often stays the same. Let it grow with you.

• Protect your energy
  Set boundaries with people or environments that drain or distract you. You don’t owe access to everyone.

A clear vision gives you direction. Protecting it helps you return to it when the path feels uncertain. You don’t need to move fast. You just need to keep moving.