Childhood domestic violence is what happens to any person who grows up in a home living with domestic violence in their childhood. UNICEF calls it “one of the most pervasive human rights issues of our time.”
Domestic violence from a childhood standpoint is when there is violence between parents or when there is violence toward a parent – perhaps from a stepparent or a significant other.
The violence can be physical or non physical. I can’t tell you how often I hear, “there wasn’t any physical violence between my parents, but the words they used – to me – I felt them physically.”
I recently met Crystal, a bright, beautiful young woman one year away from graduating from a well-known university. She had grown up in a household where they used words and tone as weapons. Today, she is still fearful. She lacks confidence and feels that she is ultimately not good enough to become anything after she graduates. In an interview, I asked her, “When you were a child, how did you feel when your parents were screaming? How did you feel when you were anticipating that something bad might happen?” She replied, “I was fearful; I wasn’t courageous enough to stop it. If I was good enough, I would have been able to.”
Today, Crystal feels the same way she felt when she was a child in that house. She bases her experience as an adult on what she believes was true from the past. This is what we do. But of course, because her self-image is based on these lies, she needed to hear the truth. As former children who grew up with domestic violence, why is it that we would allow the opinion of our parents to control our thoughts, feelings, and actions? When you look at it that way, isn’t it silly to be so affected by the words and actions of people whose judgment you know to be questionable? Awareness of these simple facts is the first step to creating change. Crystal began to feel differently when she took control of her thoughts.
In the US alone, there are 40 million adults alive today who experienced CDV and more than 10 million children who are experiencing it currently. Yet, even with these staggering numbers, there is very little awareness of CDV.
So, what is the first step to increasing awareness? We must ask this question: Did you grow up living with domestic violence? This is a key question because it is rarely, if ever, asked. Yet, that question is the pathway to awareness, understanding and sharing.
Brian F. Martin
Founder & CEO
CDV-Children of Domestic Violence
See more posts by Brian Martin on Google + here.
I lived in a home in domestic violence until my mom finally took me, my brother, and sister and went on the run. This was back in the early 70’s when there wasn’t a lot of help for victims of domestic violence. It is something that stays with a child forever. I can remember laying in the bed at night with my little brother and we could hear my mother being beaten and we could hear her crying and screaming. It is something you never really get over but we had a strong mother and because we got out of it we were able to break the cycle so that our children didn’t have to grow up in abusive homes. There is so much more I could say and stories I could tell but I will leave it at that.
Melisa,
Thank you so much for providing the details of your experience growing up with childhood domestic violence. The 70’s was a very rough time to grow up living with domestic violence as even today, awareness of this epidemic is less than 10%. If you haven’t gotten a chance to read our LIES/TRUTHS page, please take some time to do so soon. Even our research if fairly new, and would be of tremendous benefit to help you understand and come to terms with your childhood. Furthermore, there is a section on our website where you can share your story (http://cdvdevstaging.wpengine.com/share-your-story/). Sharing is the first and most effective step to start healing and overcoming your experience of childhood domestic violence.
Very glad to hear you didn’t continue the cycle of violence, that is a huge feat to be extremely proud of. However, you may or may not be reaching your full potential. It would help to start with this page, http://cdvdevstaging.wpengine.com/you-control-the-meaning/. Small daily efforts to unlearn the lies, and embrace the truths can transform your life. Best of luck on your journey to healing.
Take Care.
What you are talking about here is called Emotional Abuse Injury. Why don’t you just say so? The fact that no one puts an actual Name to it and leaves it undefined in specific terms – aids in our failure to treat it – aids in Family Courts to ignore it and aids in governments not legislating to cover it in terms of health or law.
The insanity of this lies in the fact that EAI affect ALL of those locked into abusive, irrational environments for extended periods. It also includes those bullied – in one form of another. The extant of the EAI problem is huge. Please start advertising Emotional Abuse Injury – pin it down for what it is.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CQROXT4
People don’t realize that once you’re out of the house or situation, that it just suddenly disappears. CDV stays with you, in every situation, everyday.
Thank you for providing your opinion, many feel the same exact way. However, it’s important to stress that your childhood does not have to define who you are as an adult. If childhood domestic violence is something that impacts every situation every day, you may need to take a look at our LIES (http://cdvdevstaging.wpengine.com/the-lies-that-cdv-teaches/) & TRUTHS (http://cdvdevstaging.wpengine.com/the-truths-you-must-know/) page. The first step to healing is knowing that you can unlearn those lies, and embrace the truth. Once you start this process, then you can reach your full potential, and have all the happiness in life that you deserve. Sharing your story is the first step, we appreciate you’ve decided to share with us.
I’m not sure exactly how to take this book. I grew up in a home far different from the mere quibbling of two parents. Not to say the child’s past isn’t sad, but to label it domestic violence and to hear her reply that she was uncertain of her future over her parents quarreling, almost made me…bitter. I’m sure others who expected the horrors of their life replayed, might feel the same way. I expected domestic violence much closer to my sister’s and mine. Where restraining orders and pleas for help went unanswered by police. Eventually escalating into events that lead my father to take his rage out on us all. Wishing to kill my mother, but finding she wasn’t at home, my father shot his way into my grandparent’s home then shot my grandfather shortly before taking both my sister and I. Speeding away, the police shot at the vehicle while we were still inside. THAT is what domestic violence means to me. Neither of us felt guilty about it. Both of us grew up to be strong, courageous women. Speaking out against the one thing that keeps events like mine and hers in a constant, neverending cycle… lenient laws! Restraining orders that amount to nothing because of lack of enforcement and the positively pathetic amount of time people get for the crimes they commit. This girl may lack the confidence and the determination to move on and become something, but many of us do not feel this way. We are fiercely determined to become something more because it only takes one lesson like this to make you open your eyes and realize that it wasn’t that YOU weren’t good enough, it’s that THEY weren’t good enough. And if we can’t show them that, then who the Hell will?!