“THEY DIDN’T RESPOND TO MY TEXT. OR MY EMAIL!”
Are you to be ignored? Are your needs not to be paid attention to? Are you so unimportant in their eyes that they believe they can get back to you when they damn well please? You asked them a question by email yesterday and they owe you a response!
Well, you will show them why they should pay attention to you. How will you do that?
You will hurt them. Because then they will feel what you feel. Then they will think before hurting you again.
You won’t use your hands. You will use your words – sparingly at times. Or perhaps you will choose not to use any words at all. Instead, you will turn a cold shoulder to let them know that you know. But you won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing for sure. You will make them sit with it.
A cold shoulder, a hurtful phrase, what goes unsaid, a glare, the lack of one. “Now do you feel unimportant? As unimportant and as worthless as you made me feel? Am I important enough to be paid attention to now?”
Well, you certainly weren’t when you were a child. They screamed at one another. Sometimes they used their hands to hurt one another. You were so unimportant it was like you weren’t even there. You were invisible. When you tried to stop it, you couldn’t. You weren’t strong enough, you weren’t good enough, they ignored you.
So, you had to ask youreslf, “If the two people who created me, if they think I am unimportant, worthless (literally worth-less) then what good am I? If my own parents can’t find the worth in me, see me as significant and important, who will?”
Just like now. Not paying attention to you. Passing you by. Ignoring you. Making you feel worthless. Unimportant. You will show them.
What are you feeling?
But…wait. Now you feel worse. You have felt this before.
You know what it feels like when you feel unimportant, when you feel worth-less. You know how your body changes. You stop breathing. Your chest gets tight. Your stomach knots. Your mind wanders to all things bad. You see it worse than it is. You see the pain big and bright like on a movie screen. It is close to you. Your forehead crinkles. Your eyes squint. Your heart beats faster. You know the signs, they are like signals telling you: “stop because you are about to do something or say something that will cause you to feel even worse later.” Maybe better for the moment, but worse later. You will feel sad again.
You have been here before. Then, why do you keep coming back to this place? You know it is not good for you.
“What else could I assume about this? What else could this mean?”
These questions have helped you before. You have asked them before during some of your darkest moments. Sometimes subconsciously. You didn’t even know you were asking them. Socrates more than 2,400 years ago would ask his students the same questions. Why? In order to get to the real truth, the truth that lies deep within us.
So, honestly, ask yourself, what else can you assume? What else could this mean?
“NOTHING! FUCK YOU!”
But then, you’ll ask again, knowing that you must come up with at least one possibility, even though it may be wrong. What else could you assume about this? What else could this mean?
Ok, well you know that these people are really busy. Busier than you. It’s only been a day or a couple of days or a week. Maybe you can kindly remind them. Maybe you can assume their intent is positive. Maybe you are just misjudging this. Could you be wrong?
Of course you could.
If you asked a stranger what they thought, would they think what you are thinking? Would they decide, conclude what you are choosing to believe? Or would it mean something else to them?
The stranger would probably believe that they were just busy and didn’t have time to get back to you, that it wasn’t about you at all.
So what is the truth?
The truth is that you can’t control what another says or does. You can only control the meaning and what you do, the actions you take.
You also need to remember the further truth: that a child can never control the actions of an adult, and of course it was not your job to stop it, of course it was not your fault…you need to know that you cannot control the actions of another. The truth is that you are not worthless, you are more accomplished than most.
Why? Look at the obstacles you have already overcome. The obstacles you had to overcome in your own home as a child. The one place that is supposed to be the safest, was at times the one place that was the scariest. The one place that was supposed to be the most secure, was at times the most unstable.
You were able to overcome one of the greatest obstacles a child can ever be asked to overcome…lack of security in their own home. Now you are grown and that has made you stronger.
The single most important human need that is encoded into our DNA, into our nervous systems, deep inside our brain, is the need to be secure. And in childhood, it is paramount.
But you were not provided that. You had the opposite of security. You did not know what would happen from moment to moment, night to night. At times it felt like there was no security at all. Your parents did not fully provide it. Why? Maybe when they were young, they didn’t receive it either. Maybe they grew up just like you.
Yet, you are here today. You were able to overcome the fact that you were not given the basic need that so many others have. The basic need that is essential to your likelihood to survive and thrive. Yet you figured it out. You persevered. You succeeded in spite of it. You are not in jail or addicted or dead – a fate that plagues so many children of domestic violence. You are here and because of that, you are accomplished. You must always remember that, take credit for it and build on the momentum that you already created in your life.
Simply because some person “may” have ignored you, does that change what you know to be the truth? No, of course not. Never.
Now how can you act?
You can act in a way that moves you closer to your dreams, goals and desires. Closer to the type of person you know you are…the person you know you are meant to be – happy, confident, accomplished.
Knowing that every time you hurt another, your feelings turn on you, go deep inside and hurt you back is a signal to stop. Not to do it again. When you hurt another, you hurt yourself deep inside. Just like you were hurt.
But now you know you were hurt. You accept it. You were not given the security you needed. But you overcame that obstacle. So ask yourself…
“What other obstacle can ever stand in my way?”
You have overcome great obstacles. You now take from it great strength. You don’t hurt others. You are accomplished.
When you remind yourself of this, you will no longer feel worthless and unimportant.