Last week, I was hosting a dinner party at a restaurant. As we were getting settled at the table, I saw the server and stood up to introduce myself. My mother was a waitress her entire life and I was a busser and waiter for six years, so I think in part my past motivates me to connect with people who work in restaurants.
After about a minute of talking, she pointed to the pendant I wear around my neck and said, “That’s an interesting pendant. What does it mean?”
I told her that it helps me keep top of mind the truths of my life – who I am. She then asked rather quickly, “What are those truths?”
I told her “these truths are not just mine, but rather are the truths for anyone who grows up living with a certain set of circumstances.”
She asked, “What circumstances?”
Instead of answering her question, I asked her one. I said, “Well, let me ask you, did you grow up living with domestic violence?”
That question is so much a part of me at this point that I don’t even think twice about asking it. But often, the reaction I get reminds me of how powerful that question is.
She looked at me directly and said, “Yes, I grew up in a home like that.” I touched her shoulder. She then said, “I still take it day by day.”
I would guess she was 55 or so.
After smiling at her, I looked into her eyes and said, “I am sorry. That must have been a very difficult time, especially being so young. But by now, you must relish each day in realizing that you are free from that experience, from being a child. And obviously, you are beautifully compassionate, because those who suffer during childhood in the home in which they live experience a deep suffering, and only those people can truly understand the suffering of another.”
She stared at me, then looked down. I then leaned over and said, “It’s true, you know.” As she looked up, her eyes were slightly glassy – not tearing, but just enough of a liquid coating over them so that when you blink, the next moment, everything is crystal clear.
The question, “Did you grow up living with domestic violence?” is the first step towards awareness. Awareness itself is more than 80% of change! The awareness leads to understanding. The understanding leads to sharing. These are the keys.
Did you grow up living with domestic violence?
Brian F. Martin
Founder & CEO
CDV-Children of Domestic Violence
See more posts by Brian Martin on Google + here.
my mother still abuses me verbally. she calls me names like bitch a whore and has done all my life. i’m 56 and although she stopped beating me a long time ago, rage simmers under the surface and is ugly.I’ve had two abusive marriges and am now trying to educate myself about narcississm and setting my boundries.I’ve cut my contact with my mother to a minimum to protect myself, but she is elderly and needs my help.It’s a difficult situation.She always wants to be in control and tantrums if we question her … she even threw one at my cousins funeral because she was’nt the centre of attention.She has us kids jumping through hoops to please her.I’m very damaged and I know it. How can I heal from such hate, even as a four year old she told me I was unlovable, even by god, that I was a child of the devil… I lived in a perpetual state of fear. I would love some advice please.. it’s all so exhausting… thanks, rach….xx
WOW! I am so excited to purchase this book! I am in tears after only reading a portion of the forward. I am in the process of realizing just how profoundly my world was impacted by the events that I witnessed as a young child. I started a NO MORE campaign at the University of Alaska Anchorage last semester as part of a senior project. Just last week NOMORE.org posted a blog about my childhood ( http://nomore.org/breaking-the-cycle-of-domestic-violence/ ).
Two things that were not addressed in that blog were: 1) My abusive father would fill my mind with stories about all the fun things he did with my older sisters (his children with a previous wife) who I never met. After a while I convinced myself that those girls were probably just made up because accepting the fact that he was such a great dad to them and not to me was too painful to accept and it left me feeling like “He was so great to them and not me so there is obviously something wrong with me.” As a mother myself now I have struggled with anxiety for almost 14 years, it peaked last year when I was only getting about 3 hours asleep at night because I would constantly check to make sure my children were breathing while they were asleep; they were 13 and 7 at the time, clearly passed the ages of concern for SIDS. After talking about that with a therapist who was recommended to me, we were able to get to the root cause: I did not believe that I was deserving of such amazing children and I was terrified that at any moment I would lose them.
2.) About 2 years ago the two sisters that I convinced myself must have been made up, found me on facebook and not surprising at all it turns out that our biological father was equally abusive to their mother and actually more absent from their life than he was absent from mine. In late March he passed away and we were able to talk more in depth about putting the pain that he caused behind us. It was great to have one another to lean on even though we have yet to meet in person.
The series of events in my life over these past eight months has done for me exactly what your book will do for thousands! Realizing your worth and your untapped potential is life changing! I thank you so kindly for writing this book.
Alaska is suffering terribly from the epidemics of sexual assault and domestic violence, our victimization rate is three times the national average; we can definitely use your words of wisdom and experience here and I will proudly promote your book on our facebook page! I hope to one day write a book of my own that may help others.
Best regards,
Simona Gerdts