By Brian F. Martin, Author of INVINCIBLE
Sadness is Devastating, but the Ways We Cope with it Can Harm Us
As devastating as sadness can feel, so many people cannot even begin to touch or connect with it at times, much less begin overcoming it. A defensive numbness sets in. On the other hand, some people are terrified of their grief and will do whatever it takes to deny, bury, or avoid dealing with it.
If you grew up in Childhood Domestic Violence, the sadness can be particularly intense and crushing. How do you even begin to tackle the pain? Where do you start when there is a large part of you that never wants to relive that sadness or hurt from your past ever again?
How Childhood Domestic Violence Shapes Persistent Sadness
Growing up around domestic violence doesn’t just create fear in the moment. It teaches the body and mind to expect distress, even in calm situations. Over time, this can make sadness feel normal, even necessary. When you spend years trying to stay unnoticed or keep the peace, sadness can become a kind of armor. It feels safer than anger, easier than hope, and more familiar than joy. You may not always recognize it as sadness. It can show up as flatness, withdrawal, or quiet exhaustion. But often, it traces back to a childhood where emotional survival meant shutting things down just to get through the day.
How Sadness Shows Up in Daily Life
Sadness shaped by childhood domestic violence doesn’t always look like tears or visible distress. It can feel like tiredness that never lifts, even after rest. You may lose interest in things you once cared about or struggle to find motivation for even the most basic tasks. Some people notice that they pull away from others without meaning or feel disconnected, even when surrounded by others. It can also manifest in small decisions, such as turning down invitations, putting off plans, or finding it challenging to envision a future that feels different. Sadness becomes part of the background, making everything feel heavier than it should.
Steps to Shift When Sadness Feels Normal
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Notice the pattern. Pay attention to when sadness shows up and what might trigger it—without judgment. Naming it is the first step toward change.
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Add small structure. A consistent routine, even a simple one, can help create a sense of stability.
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Move your body. Gentle physical activities, such as walking, stretching, or breathing exercises, can help support emotional balance.
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Limit draining inputs. Reduce the time spent on media, relationships, or environments that exacerbate feelings of sadness.
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Create space for meaning. Make time for something calming or meaningful each day, even if only for a few minutes.
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Write things down. Journaling or listing thoughts can bring clarity when your mind feels stuck.
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Use quiet tools. Books, worksheets, or structured programs can be helpful when you’re not ready for conversations. These resources offer direction without pressure.
If you’re not ready for conversation, starting with these tools can still bring movement. The key is not to force joy, but to make room for steadier ground.
If you’re not sure whether or not you grew up with domestic violence, feel free to use our free and private CDV screening questionnaire.