By CDV
Childhood Domestic Violence Can Make Us Feel Guilty
Guilt can seem like a simple word. Yet, it speaks to a complex family of emotions. These include embarrassment, a sense of culpability, a feeling you should have been able to stop it, shame because there is something inherently wrong with you, humiliation, remorse, and even the sense that you were somehow the cause.
Those who never grew up with domestic violence are often confused as to how a child could feel any shame or guilt when witnessing those they love hurting each other. Yet, if you’re like me and you too grew up in a violent household, then you probably know all too well how easy it can be to feel as though you were somehow the cause of it, or that you should have been able to stop it.
It’s Natural to Feel Guilty
However, this post isn’t about whether or not you might feel guilt in response to the violence you witnessed in your youth. It’s about why that guilt will naturally develop in a child who struggles to understand household violence and also about how to free yourself from it now that you are an adult.
Guilt is the biggest and most pervasive lie we tell ourselves after living with domestic violence during early life. It will continue to affect us throughout our entire lives and can rob us of our capacity to create joy and success.
“Many people are driven by guilt,” writes Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life. “They spend their entire lives running from regret or hiding their shame. Guilt-driven people are manipulated by memories. They allow their past to control their future.”
Guilt Stems from the Abilities of the Developing Brain
Part of the problem stems from the underdeveloped centers that control logical thinking in the developing brain, which leads children to create impossible childhood expectations, such as summoning magic powers to make things better or being able to protect a parent by challenging an adult three times their size.
“When you’re young, the neocortex, which is responsible for rational thinking, is still growing,” neuroscientist David Sousa explained to me recently. “Our instinctive, emotional limbic system just outguns the kind of logical, rational thinking that might come from a more mature neocortex. As a result, children cannot rationally understand their situations as an adult can. Out of desperation to protect their parents, they invent impossible ideas. And when they can’t live up to their imaginings, children feel horribly guilty.”
Guilt from Childhood Holds Us Back as Adults
Later in life, that guilt and shame become facts and hold us back in so many ways. They are heavy burdens that slow us down and stop us from taking action, an invisible bondage that weakens willpower. We start something, then fail or quit, only to reinforce that sense of blame. Finally, we give up. We don’t even try, becoming prisoners of this lie.
You may feel that all this information about guilt can make overcoming it seem impossible, but I assure you that you are more capable than you might think. The lie of guilt is no match for the resilience and strength you also learned while growing up living with domestic violence.
Common Ways Guilt Shows Up in Daily Life
Guilt shaped by childhood domestic violence can slip into everyday moments. You might apologize too often, feel responsible for other people’s emotions, or second-guess harmless decisions. It can cause discomfort when setting boundaries, make you feel selfish for prioritizing yourself, or leave you with a constant sense that you’ve done something wrong, even when there’s no apparent reason. These patterns may seem like personality traits, but they often reflect early beliefs acquired during childhood in environments characterized by conflict, fear, or blame. Recognizing them as learned responses is the first step toward changing how they shape your life today.
Steps to Release Unhelpful Guilt
Letting go of guilt begins with recognizing that the guilt isn’t always yours to carry. If you grew up with Childhood Domestic Violence (CDV), you may have learned to take on responsibility for things that were never within your control. Releasing that weight requires intention and practice.
Start by noticing when guilt shows up. Is it tied to saying no? Taking time for yourself? Setting boundaries? Write down the moments when guilt creeps in and ask yourself: Did I really do something wrong, or does this feeling come from old beliefs?
Next, reframe the situation. If a friend were in your place, would you blame them? Often, we hold ourselves to a harsher standard than anyone else. Begin to speak to yourself with the same fairness you’d offer another.
It also helps to return to your values. Guilt can distort your sense of right and wrong. But when you ground yourself in what matters to you, honesty, kindness, stability, you can begin to see when guilt isn’t serving those values, but instead blocking them.
Finally, consider writing a letter, not one you send, but one that gives voice to what you’ve carried. Say what you never had the chance to say. Then choose to set it down, even briefly. Repeat this process when guilt returns. With each step, you strengthen the part of you that knows your worth, even when your past tells you otherwise.
When to Seek Resources for Support
You may want to consider seeking resources for support if guilt feels constant or overwhelming, or if it interferes with your ability to make decisions, rest, or feel present in your daily life. Support may be helpful when guilt is tied to things outside your control, like family dynamics or early life experiences. If you often feel responsible for others’ emotions, struggle to set boundaries, or find it difficult to forgive yourself for things you did as a child or teenager, accessing resources like books, structured programs, or written exercises can be helpful. These tools can offer new ways to reflect and make meaning, especially if talk therapy feels inaccessible or isn’t the right fit.
If you’re not sure whether or not you grew up with domestic violence, feel free to use our free and private CDV screening questionnaire.