What Is Toxic Shame—and Where Did It Come From?
Children who grow up with domestic violence (DV) often feel guilt and, worse, shame. They grow up to have and accept guilt that they do not deserve. These children grow up thinking that what they experienced in their home was something they could have prevented. They may even blame themselves as the source of all violence and pain within the home.
However, there is more than just the lingering guilt that many of these children will develop and carry with them throughout their lives. And that is Shame. Toxic Shame. Author John Bradshaw, in Healing the Shame That Binds You, breaks it down the best. He says:
“Abuse creates toxic shame – the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you’ve done something wrong, but you can repair that….With toxic shame, there’s something wrong with you, and there’s nothing you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective.
Toxic shame is the core of a wounded child.”
How CDV Creates Lasting Shame
A child facing DV has a developing brain. They do not have realistic expectations of what an adult would think of with a more mature brain. They do not understand what they are experiencing or why they are unable to live up to what they think they should be.
This is because the part of the brain that fully develops by the age of 7 or 8 is primarily that which serves emotional functions. It takes several more years for the rationale to develop in a person fully. The inability of a child to control their own reasoning, let alone that of adults, leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt and then shame.
It is this inability to prevent or change the violence that leads to high levels of stress. And when stress is not considered motivational stress or manageable stress that can be supported, it then becomes toxic.
More adversity in childhood, that is, continual, toxic stress can lead to mental and physical conditions starting in childhood. More research is being produced that shows that a child’s brain will rewire itself whether they are the target of abuse or the one seeing it and feeling it. The impact on the developing brain patterns is the same!
The Truth and Lies About Toxic Shame
Why would a child feel guilty that they could not stop the violence? And why would they feel shame that they were so weak, or that there is something truly wrong with them in not being able to change anything?
As simple as it may seem, this is the lie of toxic shame for a child of DV. For many adults who grew up with CDV, these feelings will linger, impacting their ability for peace and contentment, knowing something is not right, even if they can’t label it.
The battering of toxic stresses on a child’s body and brain, these stresses not even an adult should have to endure, rewires the brain, causing the child’s life views and perspective, even reason, to be manipulated.
However, there is a truth, and as simple as the solution may be for many, it remains life-transforming. Adults and children alike need to hear and reiterate this truth: it is never the fault of a child when adults fight.
The guilt you feel or have felt is false. You are stronger and more courageous than most children have ever had to be. The shame you feel, or still feel, is the lie – there is nothing wrong with you for growing up in this home.
Signs You’re Living With Toxic Shame
Toxic shame doesn’t always announce itself—it often hides behind how we speak to ourselves, how we show up in relationships, or how we react when things go wrong. If you grew up with CDV, shame may have become a default lens through which you view the world and yourself.
Here are some signs that toxic shame may still be affecting you:
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You believe you’re fundamentally broken or unworthy — not because of anything you’ve done, but because of who you are.
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You constantly replay your mistakes, no matter how small, and struggle to forgive yourself.
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You over-apologize or take the blame for things that aren’t your fault, especially in conflict or relationships.
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You feel like an impostor even when you’re succeeding, convinced someone will “find out” you don’t deserve it.
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You isolate yourself, believing others wouldn’t want you around if they truly knew you.
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You struggle to accept praise or compliments, brushing them off or assuming they’re not sincere.
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You experience chronic self-doubt, even when there’s evidence you’re doing well.
These patterns often don’t come from weakness—they come from long histories of internalized messages rooted in fear, survival, and pain. But once you name shame for what it is, you can start to loosen its grip.
When to Seek Help for Toxic Shame
Toxic shame can quietly shape how you see yourself and move through the world. But you don’t have to carry it alone—or forever. You may want to seek support if:
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Your inner voice is constantly critical, harsh, or cruel—and it feels impossible to quiet.
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You feel like you’re never “enough,” no matter how much you achieve or how hard you try.
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You struggle with depression, anxiety, or panic that seems tied to your self-worth.
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You push others away—or cling tightly— out of fear they’ll leave once they “see the real you.”
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You feel emotionally numb, ashamed, or disconnected from your own needs or feelings.
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You’re stuck in cycles of self-sabotage—in work, relationships, or your health—and don’t know why.
These aren’t just personality traits or flaws. They’re signs of deeper pain—often rooted in early trauma like Childhood Domestic Violence. And they can begin to heal with the right support.
You’re not broken. You’re responding to experiences that once made you feel small or unsafe. Help exists—not to fix you, but to help you reconnect with the self that’s always been worthy.
From Shame to Self-Acceptance
You grew up living in a home with domestic violence. You lived with toxic stress for years, which led to toxic shame. Perhaps now, you are finally discovering that you are not alone in your sense of shame and that there truly is nothing wrong with you because you couldn’t stop the violence.
Action is freedom made visible. Freedom is not something you can actually see, but those who are free – free of guilt and shame – choose to use their freedom to take action in ways that move them closer toward their full potential.
~ Brian F. Martin, founder of Childhood Domestic Violence Association
Take action, move forward, work on getting over regrets, make changes, and try new things in life. This is the first step in moving past a life lived with toxic shame and shedding the lies that you held for so long.
Self-expression and sharing can help release shame. There are degrees of sharing, such as writing a story. Consider sending us your story and becoming our next CDV Champion. We have followers who respect and thrive from sharing this common journey, this journey that starts with childhood and doesn’t always end there.
But even if you do not share your story publicly, journaling in private is a great step to self-healing and self-discovery. A caring therapist whom you can share your journaling with can also be part of the healing process.
More Ideas to Help You on Your Path
Although awareness, self-expression, and sharing your story are very important, there are also some other things you can do. Therapy may be the most helpful for many adults. If you don’t know where to start, consult your doctor first.
Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW, stresses what may seem obvious. But those who have been living with toxic stress or shame, will likely find the reminders helpful:
1. Take care of yourself. Getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and eating a balanced diet will go a long way toward combating stress and boosting immunity.
2. Forge healthy relationships. Having a good support system with positive friends and family members is, arguably, one of the best things you can do to fight the effects of toxic stress syndrome.
3. Focus on things you can control. Feeling out of control contributes to stress. Instead of dwelling on stressful events, focus on positive things in your life and take action where you can.
Lastly, visit our library at cdv.org to find more helpful blogs and stories about CDV, toxic stress, and more.
Greater Awareness on a National Level is Needed
Toxic stress and shame in childhood have an impact on society. Without the reversal or mitigation of these in children, mental and physical health can be impaired into adulthood, impacting every aspect of an adult’s ability to thrive in the aftermath of their toxic childhood.
Fortunately, organizations like the American Academy of Pediatricians are taking notice that prevention and mitigation have to be accomplished by working in a multi-pronged approach with policymakers and social service providers. At the Center for Healthy, Resilient Children at AAP, the center will collect data on toxic stress and incorporate it into medical practice and policy, while building collaborations with the education and social service sectors. Read more about how AAP is changing how physicians help their patients tackle toxic stress.
If you’re not sure whether or not you grew up with domestic violence, feel free to use our free and private CDV screening questionnaire.